Good afternoon, my fellow legitimate Americans. Your friendly neighborhood Spider Dan reporting from the scorched Texas Hill Country. We need rain and need it today. Maybe the buffoons in Hopey-Dopey's camp will conjure up a magical spell and we'll get the jet stream to allow Gulf moisture to hose down our well baked countryside. Other than that, being here is pure delight.

Let's begin with this earth shaking revelation: Bill Clinton did good. No, that's not a typo. The former president -- disbarred, disgraced, and proven to be one of the worst until America got stoned and punked the world with Hopey-Dopey -- pulled off a magnificent political coup. Travelling to North Korea, Clinton secured the release of two American idiots trying to play big time investigative journalist. While all the details may have been hammered out before his arrival in Pyongyang, Clinton did what few could: used his influence to get those women out before they suffered a terrible fate at the hands of the North Koreans. Sure, two ditzy women flirted with disaster and got tangled up in a classic case of political theatre. Had anyone at Algore's "TV" network taken time to call me, I would have quickly informed those involved in the planning of this stunt to religiously avoid contact with North Korean authorities. A no-brainer, you say?

Apparently not.

Regardless of the failure to adequately brief those women and the feckless response from Algore himself, Clinton stepped up and took the time to fly to North Korea, leaving only with those two ladies in tow. I'll leave it up to each of you to decide how the duration of the flight back to Calfornia might have been spent, but even if those ladies were bathed in Clinton's joy juice somewhere over the Pacific, they're home and safe. Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Now, disappear until some other tinpot dictator needs your reinforcement.

I'm not one for "I told you so". But, this is too much to bear. For everyone of you that voted for this imbecile impersonating the President of the United States, a question: how do your personal shortcomings rectify your decision to support this quack, knowing what you know today?

Seems the lunatics comprising the Democratic Party (and the few million independent practical jokesters pulling the lever for this idiot) had no idea how much damage they might do to the nation. There may have been some speculation about short term damage to the party, but it seems none of them realized this frat prank would contribute to the demise of the United States of America to the degree it has and will. The 2010 election looms as a seminal moment for the future of our great land -- failure to wipe the Democrats out of the picture hastens our national demise. Before you get twisted up in knots declaring that comment to be "over the top" or "partisan hysterics", review the legislative agenda and accomplishments. I will not chronicle them here -- doing so makes you lazy. Investigate the monumental failures this clown and his crew have become, then recognize how difficult and expensive it's going to be repealing or reversing this madness.

Hopey-Dopey must be completely marginalized and rendered to lame duck status. There can be no compromise, no deals, nothing that leaves this rank amateur a shred of political credibility. Nevada can take a huge step by tossing Harry Reid out with the rest of the garbage. Nevada, we're watching. Think the economy is tough on your once mighty tourism industry?

Re-elect that blithering idiot and Hell hath no fury. I have very dear friends doing the Lord's work in that beleaguered state and expect they will mobilize as never before to usher Reid into the septic tank of history. I will go to Reno or Vegas or whatever God-forsaken former nuclear test site to campaign against Reid -- knowing his ouster will inspire and motivate legitimate Americans to act accordingly in their own corners of this great land. I will not provide a penny or one ounce of breath trying to convince the galactic idiots in California to get rid of Pelosi, Boxer, or Feinstein. They deserve each other and the consequences they bring every Californian. It's a sad day when so many good folks suffer just to prop up liberal divas, but apparently, liberal divas walk in friendly company in California. We can only pray legitimate Americans rise up in the Golden State and reclaim that valuable land for the good of all Americans.

I am not holding my breath on that one.

As a cyber-Congressman from the State of Nevada I would like to propose some new energy initiative, designed to help the overwhelming majority of Americans who own cars powered by gasoline-combustion engines. Under my proposal, the government would make available funds to purchase fuel for needy/desirous Americans. Lesseee...let's do some math. About $2.75 a gallon for regular nowadays. Let's grant each American driver, two gallons of gas per day. With a lot of vehicles, a couple gallons isn't going to get you to the Grand Canyon for that next family vacation but it will allow about 30 miles of travel. Sufficient for puttering around town and a good many daily commutes. That's $5.50 per day, or $165.00 a month. That would allow payments to 330million Americans for gas for a month. Oh wait, there aren't that many Americans much less drivers, unless our estimates of illegal aliens with licenses is off, a distinct possibility.

Let's say that half those Americans drive. With my program, which we would strategically enact during the summer months to encourage driving, vacationing and most importantly to the economy, spending, we provide an immediate economic boost to both the travel and energy sectors. The only qualification for the funding would be providing proof of citizenship, no motor voter ID's accepted. This would disqualify the current President but hey, he can afford his own gas. Now let's call this program something spiffy, like Gas for Guzzlers, (I know, I know...unoriginal but no thanks are needed) Does anyone out there see a problem with this? How do you administer the program? Who decides who receives the checks? How do you ensure the checks are actually used for gas? Finally, if you are able to come up with answers to those questions, inevitably you'll need an entirely new gub'mint department to oversee the program. This of course will result in higher taxes to fund said department.

Legitimate Americans recognize that the latest economic offering from the Obama Administration, the so-called "Cash for Clunkers" is nothing more than another redistribution of American wealth. Certainly many Americans think they are getting a great deal, incentivized new cars to replace their older vehicles. The problem is that no matter how you slice it, not all American motorists are beneficiaries of this program yet all of them will pay taxes to the benefit of a few. The Administration promise of a much needed shot in the arm to the ailing auto industry may be correct, but whose industry? The latest reports show that only 45% of the vehicles purchased under this program are actually American made. So the American taxpayer is essentially subsidizing new car loans, the majority of which are made to finance vehicles of foreign manufacture. Whatever happened to the principle of "charity begins at home"? If we are going to own the auto industry, and now we are in the auto loan bidness, couldn't we at least ensure that American manufacturers benefitted more than their Asian counterparts?

Of course the current administration is gambling on the well known proclivity of many Americans to expect something for nothing. If you happen to be in the market for a new, eco-friendly green car and you can afford the payments and you happen to be driving an evil SUV, sure a rebate of up to $4500 samolians sounds great. Now stop and think for a moment. Where does money for those rebates come from? Like my mythical "Gas for Guzzlers" program, it comes from the Federal Government, which in turn gets its revenue from you, me and yes the drives of those trendy, new, earth saving automobiles, the cash strapped American taxpayer. So we the people end up subsidizing vehicles for people who can probably already make the payments on their own and all in the name of what? Extending government control to every corner of the economy. More and more we crawl towards socialism, the furthest possible political condition from that envisioned by our Founders.

Smilin' Paul Villa U.S. Senate 2010
cyber-Congressman, R-Reno
Proud Member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy and 2 SUV Family